Please do not use,reproduce or perform in public any part or this article without obtaining a prior permission!
Videography, editing, comedy, jokes, humor, I mean humour and writing...Absolutely love every bit of it!
When I first started in this field, I was dreaming of writing jokes and scripts for Stand up.I was very positive and confident that I could make it to the next level, until I have received the first negative and pretty much angry comment about some of the "grammatically incorrect placement of past tense" and so on.
As I have mentioned in one of my posts, " The quote that changed my life" I was scared to write.
Scared to post anything anywhere. Why?
I was considerate about how people might accept my articles, complain about my errors and grammar. I am still considerate...but I am not scared anymore.
See, humour or humour
This is a part where I tell you to go and read the post so you are in the flow.
Well go and read it if you wish..if not... don't say I didn't warn you!
I have decided to post some of my material that I wrote few years ago, about Traveling, Public Toilet Graffiti and Ladies Hairstyle. ( Sorry ladies but you are hilarious)
Just kidding! Jokes about Traveling and Ladies Hairstyles.
I would love to hear this stuff being performed by some of my favourite comedians but for the time being, you will have to read it.
I hope you enjoy the article.Please leave us a comment. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Not about Grammar of course...about jokes.
Humor or Just Humour!
Traveling,sun,beaches... mmmm so much fun..
I absolutely,positively love traveling.
You can see so many
interesting things, interesting people and unusual things and people…
combine them all together...its hilarious!
Lets recap: Unusual things...YEAH...
...unusual places...oh double yeah!
Unusual people doing unusual things...BINGO!
in unusual places...bloody darn Jackpot!!!
But something bothers me about traveling...
Why is it every time
that plane you are on is late…plane that you need to transfer to is on time…
its
beyond me.
To make things worse, why is that
turbulence is followed immediately after the crew serves the food? Wait!!! But there is more...
The strength of the
turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee being served by the crew!
Holiday with you family should be fun right..
Why is it when you
traveling with children..one will request a pit stop exactly the moment you
passed the point of no return to the last toilet and the next town is an hour
away?
When you are on the
road a lot ..you stop for a ( cough ) break a lot..
Mostly public toilets are in an isolated locations,right..nothing much around..just pit stop.
Why is it, that these toilets walls contain some of the most meaningful messages in the world?
Wall to wall, messages written in pens and markers in every colour.
Ok, Here we go:
Stopped for a quick break, right in the middle of nowhere next to the Whoop-Whoop…
Rushed in, just about to get on
with my job… ocean of messages all over the wall.
One sticks out like a sore thumb that says:
“Stand tall and be proud... in your hands is the future of this country!”
Right next to it…with
an arrow pointing to it…
“ That’s reality –but
remember, reality is state caused by the a lack of alcohol”
Thumbs up and continuation by someone else “...but don’t worry..be
happy..."
Isolated message referring to above written messages:
“Some people don't get it...Happy? Future? hehe..Optimism
is the lack of information”
You chukle and look
up ..there is another one:
"Why are you looking
up here…are you ashamed of its size?”
As if someone is watching what you have just read, you quickly look down to prove the point that you are not ashamed of its dimensions...
As you look down ..there
is another one…
“Make sure you fart
when you’re done!…never hold it!
If you hold it..it
travels up through your body and eventually ends up in your brain..and that’s
how people get shitty ideas!”
You finish your job
about to wash your hands…right above the towel dispenser...another one:
“Thieves, do not
steal…the government doesn’t like a competition”
This is the good one,
As you looking at the mirror along side the top edge in a dark pen:
“ The biggest
misfortune is to have a happy marriage….your chances for divorce are slim to none!”
Other very
informative and educative messages include political correctness:
"Not allowed to say "she is easy": "She is horizontally accessible"
Can`t say: He is
stupid: Say "He is diverted from the information highway"
You can`t say: She is awful
Cook: "She is Microvaweably compatible
You cant say for a
person that is Ugly… He or she has incorrectly deployed facial features
“I wish my wife is a
calendar..I really don`t need to look at her every day of the year but to change her on 1st of January.
Did you see any of these graffiti messages?
Whats the best you saw?
Please, Leave us a comment. Lets make a collection of these "thoughtful toilet messages".
Traveling and holiday with Ladies...oh, thats another topic that can take 6 pages to write.
But, I have to say at least something about
Ladies ,Ladies,Ladies...pure humor!
Oh Ladies.. we love
you and we occasionally love you more…
Wonderful adorable, cuddly like a Persian cat.
Until claws come out!
You don’t need to be
a rocket scientist to understand a woman…who am I kidding..yes you do!!!
You need to be a rocket
scientist to understand a women and how to make her happy. Just so you can avoid
the transformation from a woman to a Persian Cat, claws and all.
Ladies,
To
be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
Guys,
To
be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and don’t even think about
trying to understand her at all.
Her
mind has mind on its own!
Did
you know that Women and Walnuts in shells have a lot in common…
To
free them our of their shell and release their goodness, You need to hammer
them.
Not literally ..i mean hammer them..you know what I mean?
Men,
You need to be very
successful to have very successful women…it goes hand in hand.
Successful man is man
who earns more that his woman can spend, right?
What about women?
Oh, Successful woman
is a woman who finds such man…
Women …very worrying
creatures…always worrying about things….holidays, looks, appearance, image, almost
everything…
not almost everything ... ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!!!
…Women worries about
the future until she finds a husband.
However, man never worries until he gets married.
After we get married…
being worried or being in trouble takes
a new dimension..we are buggered!!!
Simple math’s..it
works.
Try it sometimes.
To be happy with your
men. ladies you need to love your man a little and try to understand him a lot…
Guys…
to be happy with your
woman you need to love her a LOT and don’t even try to understand her.
That’s already the
next level of being Buggered!
When Ladies get to the
boiling point…oohh Lord have Mercy on our souls.
In an argument, every
woman has the last word…
after that,
what ever
comes out of our mouth is a beginning of a new argument.
So many times I have
said to my self “ Man, You are lucky …you don’t have to shave anything bellow
your neck and a darn 3 pair of shoes is more than enough for crying out loud”
Having said that..
I am blessed and Lucky
I don’t have to drag gigantic bag, everywhere I go, full of useless things and
when you are looking for something…bag becomes magic..this thing disappears..
you can`t find it…
For men…It’s a simple
routine:
take a shower and get
ready to roll in 20 minutes without…that’s right without making such fuss about
my hair..
Oops Hair!!! Another
painful being fucked science.
You women know how to
go overboard with your hair style…its horrific!
You know how to turn this event
into 3 day Olympic triathlon and couldn’t care less how many body bags will be
used during this process...its a crime scene..blood bath..
Anything that stands
in the way between you and your hairstyle ends up in a body bag…
Let me elaborate:
Man goes to a barber:
How you doing…what do we having today?
Bwahhh “do`know”…ten
minutes later…ta-da. Job done, no fuss.
You ladies…bwaah….Oh
Lord…
Our haircut cost
$20..thats it – In and out in 20 minutes for $20 bucks. Good as gold.
Ladies hair style… Let
me be clear.. Dear God, have mercy on our souls!
The mobile chandelier on your head will cost you An arm,a leg, a total and complete psychological distress ..nightmares of your men
prior, during and after the fact…
but the poor hair
dresser...
she instantly becomes a miracle worker…not just..
a councilor and financial
advisor ..amongst other things…
Gossip (awwh) and the
expectations???
imagine horror they have to endure? ( eyes
roll, )
Here she comes…
”I
want it like Madona”…with a head of Jay Leno and Vince Vaughn combined ???
When it comes to the final product.
Oh no..another body bag..get ready for another zipper!
We men are very
honest about our hair…
You turn up with your
new hair style and you get told..
“You look like a FRISBEE…you
know ..bee that’s having a bad hair day”…
”put a cap on you ..I cant look at
you”
You slap a cap and
life goes on…right .
but not for women…
ney,ney..
It would be so cool
to be honest with you ladies.. for once!
Hmmm, you said you
wanted to look like Madona…yeah very close… its
more like Nicki Minaj-ysh style at the moment ."
What’s that all
about…is she doing her hair with firecrackers? couple of crackers ..fire it up…BOOOOM – Ta-da…Hairstyle!
Where was I ..
Ah..honesty…
imagine
being so free and able to be honest with your lady…
"Honey,
that hair looks like a bird fight gone wrong that got stomped on, chewed by a
hungry dog, then pooped out, worms and all."
or…
"That hairstyle makes your face look fat."
Or,or,…
" Did you colour it yourself? Don’t worry darling, It'll grow
out." ( oooooh)
When she ask“
How does it look darling?” – I would love to be able to freely say : Perfect..
You blend in perfect with the furniture
and the Stand lamp we have in the corner of the Living room…
Day before she go to the Hairstylist, She wears
a lipstick on her forehead…
someone told her to makeup her mind!
Even simple tasks like a dinner with friends can be a difficult task
“Hey darling don’t
forget we have a lunch with Amy and Mick
today….
When is it?
4pm
“Oh no..I wont be
able to make ..I have an appointment at the Hair dresser!”
“When is your
appointment?”
9am!!!
Say WHAT???
…Australian NBN
contractors, lays down 20 kilometers of NBN infrastructure in that time…and
manage to piss of 2000 people in the process! You can't do the hair in that time?
We are very
adventurous creatures and love to experiment with our ideas..from the start of
the days..since Adam and Eve
Man discovered a
friendship..and we invented love
Women discovered love
and invented the marriage.
Man discovered a women..and
we invented sex
Women discovered sex
and invented the migraine.
Man discovered a
friendship..and we invented money…
this is where things
went really really wrong..
Women discovered money and since
then… everything went to hell!
Please do not use,reproduce or perform in public any part or this article without obtaining a prior permission!
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